Jo Saxton

Archive for the ‘Identity’ Category

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

I love these opening words from “Phenomenal Woman” by Dr. Maya Angelou.  They’re rich and regal,  secure, with finesse rather than sass.  Maybe a little sass, but it’s stylish, so it’s allowed.  I don’t know what makes a woman phenomenal woman in your eyes. As I blogged a few weeks back, society makes much too much of our bodies and that the desire to be slim, is now the desire to be thin. Kate Moss’ motto “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” that caused such a furor, was apparently taken out of context. Still, I’m left trying to imagine what kind of diet Kate Moss (known for the “waif” look), would need to be on - other than one that  might include a lot more substantial roast dinners.

But it’s not just the body thing though is it, that pressurizes women. Its sex, its friendships, its family responsibility. It’s being the perfect mother, or having a great career. Having a stylish home. The list goes on. Cultural Analyst, marketing expert and author Clotaire Rapaille spent decades studying cultures, watching consumers, advising companies on how to design appealing products for the general public. He noted that American women are expected to be beautiful but not too beautiful; intelligent, but not too intelligent. If you have romance, then it has to be amazing, if you are going to be a mum, then you need to be supermom!

 Does this level of pressure produce phenomenal women, or overstretched, overcommitted, sometimes neurotic ones? Where do we see something of the inner confidence that resonates from Angelou’s words? Do you see it in your relationships when a friend, a sister gets the life you longed for? Is it evident in the midst of everyday ordinary life? Is it just poetry?

We know that being Christians does not mean that we no longer feel nor face the insecurities and mixed messages communicated to today’s women. But what difference does knowing Jesus, walking with Jesus make to your everyday life, your sense of worth and value, your acceptance of your strengths and weaknesses and limitations. What difference does our life with God make to as Angelou later writes to “the fire in my eyes”, “the sun in my smile” or “the grace of my style”?

I believe in Him, we find something… Phenomenal.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a car crash. Nothing serious, just a momentary error meeting someone else’s momentary error, resulting in a squashed bumper and loss of no claims bonus! What was interesting about the whole event though was my reaction to it. Once I’d gotten over the initial shock, with the mandatory cup of tea (and a ginger biscuit for sugar), my main concern was not my bumper or my car insurance but my dented pride.  “How could I have made such a stupid mistake? What will people say? How could this happen to me when I’m generally such a careful driver?”… etc etc!  This type of response to mistakes is quite normal for me and it exemplifies my perfectionist tendencies. I’m simply not allowed to make mistakes and when I (inevitably) do make mistakes they take on momentous significance and I’m often plagued by feelings of shame and guilt.

Why such an over reaction? Because, deep down, I’m still basing my identity upon my behaviour, my abilities, my successes, and this forms part of a vicious cycle. When my identity is based upon what I do I’m focussing on myself.  When I start focussing on myself I can very quickly become motivated by pride and so I start demanding perfection.  The more I operate out of a perfectionist nature the more I focus on myself and so the cycle repeats.

But as I spent time thinking about the roots of these struggles God spoke to me more about my identity. He spoke to me about being made from “dust and ashes” (Gen 18:27) and how it is His breath in me that is the source of my life (Gen 2:7).  I began to see that the very foundation of my identity is found in my connection to and relationship with the God who made me. Humbled, I began to feel a huge release, and I realised that when my focus is upon God, worshiping Him and walking with Him, my identity ceases to be about me! My motivation becomes love (Matt 22:37) and my drive is now towards obedience. Obedience is completely opposite to perfectionism. Perfectionism is rooted in pride and is a way of seeking to glorify yourself.  Obedience is rooted in love and seeks to glorify God.  And the more I operate out of a desire to walk in obedience, the more He becomes my focus and so the cycle repeats.

Breaking down the old cycle has not been an over night miracle. It involves some work and some time. Practically speaking, for me this has meant taking a minute each morning to consciously decide that the purpose of my day is to worship and glorify God, and so I shift my focus from myself to Him. And it’s really helping, but I know I’m going to have to keep doing it to see lasting change.

Having said that, as I’ve meditated on these pictures over the last week a great sense of security has settled in my heart. My feet are now on solid rock as I’ve discovered something wonderful. I know now that in essence my identity never changes. Whether I’m the tea lady or the managing director, a secretary or the Prime Minister, achieve 100% or 10%, dent my bumper or write off my car…my identity never changes.  Why? Because God, the source and focus of my identity, never changes.  Thank the LORD for that!

In Part 3 of this series I’d like to share more about one particular aspect of what I’ve been discovering about my identity as an adopted heir of Abraham.  And that is – as members of the same spiritual family we share a corporate identity.

Our forefathers understood the concept of corporate identity. In fact, it was central to their whole understanding of themselves. As Marvin Wilson explains, “since Bible times Jews have generally embodied this concept in an exemplary way. God chose a people (Deut. 7:7), and, accordingly, the Jewish religion is characterized by peoplehood” (emphasis added).[i] This is entirely opposite to the way we choose and elevate the individual in Western culture, but it is in these terms that Paul speaks of the church.

Using the image of the body (Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12) Paul writes,

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

1 Cor. 12:12-13

Likewise, Peter expresses the concept of peoplehood when he says that those who come to Christ are being built into a “spiritual house to be a holy priesthood” (1 Peter 2:5).

…you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-11

As members of the body of Christ we share in one identity. We are a people and a nation, brought into covenant relationship with the God of Israel through the obedience of Jesus.  As I grasped this the way I looked at those around me began to change. Previously my faith and my interaction with God had been a solitary activity but now I wanted to be around other Christians, to join my voice with theirs in worship, to read the Bible and pray with other people. I could actually feel my sense of identity becoming stronger and fuller as I stood together with those around me in church to pray “Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name”.

I recognise that being part of the body of Christ is not always easy! But God in his wisdom chose a people, and in all the ups and downs of human relationships we are called, designed, to live together in unity. It is part of who we are.

(If you are interested in exploring your Jewish roots I can highly recommend the teaching of Dwight Pryor (The Centre for Judaic-Christian Studies) and the book Our Father Abraham by Marvin R. Wilson.)

Researching family trees is big business these days. It has been made increasingly popular in the UK by TV programmes like Who Do You Think You Are (BBC), a documentary series looking into the family history of celebrities.  What’s striking about this series is how often the celebrity involved appears to be deeply impacted by what they discover. Their perception of themselves, their parents, family traits and characteristics all seem to be reaffirmed or (more often) challenged.  One celebrity said that uncovering the different strands of her family history and gathering them together made her feel like a more “whole” person. And I understand what she means. Filing in the blanks of history impacts our sense of self, our identity.

And identity matters. It’s fundamental to our very being. It’s the answer to the question “who am I?” and it influences our whole lives.  I know this because discovering the truth of my own identity has been life changing.

It has been a journey of many years. From my teens into adulthood, over a period of about 13 years, my life was blighted by illness.  The extent to which this limited my participation in “life” fluctuated but at times it was truly horrendous. Often weak and housebound I would spend many days at a time seeing or communicating with no-one, except my mother who was caring for me. And when I was able to go out and meet up with friends it was not a pleasant experience. I had nothing to say. I had been unable to continue with my degree study, was not able to work and just wasn’t “doing” very much of anything.

Who was I? I couldn’t have told you. I felt like a non-entity, a shadow, an empty shell.

I had lost any sense of identity. After all, what could I build it from? In our western culture we primarily build identity upon our occupation. Our jobs so often define us.  But there are many other things. Who am I? I’m a nurse, a secretary, a student; I live in this area, drive this car, wear these clothes, play this sport, go to this church, have this ministry…And not only do we eagerly accept these labels, but we seek after them. Our identity becomes an aspiration, somewhere we’re trying to get to, someone we’re trying to become.

So here’s where I found myself: What do I do? Nothing. Who am I? Nobody.

But God met me in this empty space and what he taught me changed my life. He showed me my identity.  An identity not based upon the circumstances of my life but upon the roots of my life.  Like the celebrities on Who do you think you are? I had some digging to do, and what did I find? Join me in Part 2…

In Who do you think you are? Part 1 I wrote about why identity matters.  In Part 2 I want to share with you what happened to my sense of identity when I discovered my roots.

Uncovering your family tree can be a tedious and time consuming task. Those celebrities who take part in Who do you think you are? are very privileged. They benefit from a team of BBC researchers and archivists working on their story, and they have the time and resources required to jet set around the world following the paper trail. But as Christians we are also immensely privileged. Our family history is already documented for us in the Bible.  Our roots can be traced back thousands of years to one man – Abraham.  Maybe you’ve never thought that the story of Israel concerns you much, but it does. It concerns you intimately. Those of us who are what the apostle Paul would describe as ‘gentile believers’ have been adopted into the family of Israel through the faithfulness of Jesus. We have been grafted into the olive tree (Romans 11) and are now spiritual descendents of Abraham and heirs of the promises made to him (Galatians 3:7, 26-29).

Let that sink in for a moment. You are a descendant of Abraham. From Genesis to Revelation, the whole story of God’s covenant relationship with Israel concerns you; it’s your story. As this truth took hold of me, and as I began to see myself as a member of the family of Israel, the emptiness I had felt started to diminish.  I began to see that I was part of something bigger than my own circumstances. I saw my life inextricably linked to the lives of generation upon generation of God’s people.

Using the image of the olive tree (depicting Israel) Paul writes to the gentile believers in Rome;

“If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you.”

Romans 11:17-18

In the darkness of my own circumstances, struggling with illness and isolation, I often felt disconnected, even from God. But I’ve come to see that this was because my relationship with Him was all about me! He had saved me through Jesus, He was my creator, He had plans for my future and (surely) He would heal me so I could “do” all the things that would give me my identity. But when He showed me my roots and the family I was a part of two things happened. I realised that each Christian, each member of the family, is not newly and individually planted.  We are joined to an olive tree that was planted thousands of years ago.  We connect to the root, and the root supplies nourishment and life. I also realised that I was part of a people whose primary calling and purpose was to worship God.

I finally saw that my identity was all about Him and I began to understand something of what it really means to “find your identity in God”. I am made in His image to be part of his family. And God took me further along this path of discovery and taught me more about my identity. Join me Part 3…

Funny thing: clothes. Some of us love them, others – not so much. We will spend hours looking in the mirror asking, “Does my bum look good in this?” We choose what we wear every day. Some days it’s easier to find things that fit. There are days we dress to feel and look special. And days when only the old favourite t-shirt will do.

I had one of those days. I was going into a difficult meeting. I chose my clothes carefully. I needed to feel more confident and also show others my respect in that situation.  And then God asked me a simple question: “What are you wearing today?” I was kind of stunned and didn’t really know what to think.  But it all became clear later that day…

I was sat with my Bible looking for inspiration, wisdom and encouragement. And then I read about how God gives us a new wardrobe when we become His children. He tailors each piece of clothing to fit our character, our circumstances and our life. He even puts a tag with our name on every item! That’s amazing… “…you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it.”(Col.3:10 MSG) And so in this wardrobe He puts “compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.”(v.12) “And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (v.13-14)

I never thought about spiritual clothes until that day. Those verses really challenged me and gave me hope. Hope that God knew exactly what ‘clothes’ I needed, He made them just for me. My clothes have ‘Ags’ on their tags. And so I don’t need to strive for discipline or love (especially when it’s hard to love). Neither do I have to borrow another woman’s clothes when I need patience or compassion.  I need to ask and put my clothes on! Simple!

But then I remembered this verse, one of those amazing verses which carry a real calling and purpose. I heard someone speak it over me when we first came to our church – “for such a time as this…” (Esther 4:14 MSG). I felt so privileged.  Privileged when things were going great. Burdened when life was tough. So I read, prayed and thought about Esther.

As much as we may glorify that verse about being called “for such a time as this”, Esther’s context wasn’t so pretty.  She was faced with a huge challenge: trying to convince her King and husband to spare her nation from death. She was going to a very difficult meeting. She was taking a great risk. But still God called her to go, “for such a time as this”.  So, what did Esther do? She went and thought about it, and chose her clothes carefully! She had to be strategic in what she was wearing. In order to gain favour in King’s eyes she had to look right. So we read, “Esther dressed in her royal robes and took up a position” (Esther 5:1 MSG). She had more confidence with the right clothes on.

You live your life “for such a time as this”. You mix with people “for such a time as this”. You have a family “for such a time as this”. You wake up in the morning “for such a time as this”!

Some days it will be a privilege, others it may feel like a burden.  The Lord knows. And “for such a time as this” He has tailored every item in your spiritual wardrobe so that You – His daughter – may have His confidence for the task He has appointed You for.  Isn’t that amazing?

I try to get myself to every dance related fitness class they have got going at my gym that fits in my schedule because I love to shake my booty. A few weeks ago I was just thanking God for the work he has done in my life because somehow he’s got me to the point where I am comfortable enough with myself to be in a class full of very slim, coordinated women and not feel like a total misfit – an entire world away from my journal entries of 4 years ago which at times basically consisted of a list of things I hated – and I mean hated – about my body.  I have accepted I am never going to be one of those women who I used to really envy – long limbed, slim, and graceful. My limbs are short, I am … curvaceous and … as for being graceful – clumsy is a better description. But the thing is despite not fitting into the stereotype of what beauty is – a lot of the time, most of the time (because I am a work in progress) I believe I am beautiful.

So what is beauty? Why have we bought the lie that we need to become identikit versions of each other? Is beauty the inner confidence of knowing that you, as you are, are beautiful – that God created you, that he thinks you are a hottie?!! How do we get beyond our perceived inadequacies and lack and move to the place of knowing that our beauty is not just dictated by fashion or culture and that it is so much more than that.  

 Beauty is more than a mould we all have to fit, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, beauty shines from within, surely we become who believe ourselves to be, so regardless at what the world shouts, what is the King of Glory saying to us? I for one KNOW he is not saying to me “sorry Vanessa made a bit of a mistake with you – sorry I made you fat and ugly!” I don’t think so somehow. He made us to be beautiful.

 I went dancing on Saturday night and all around me were women dressed to impress. Barbie was definitely most people’s role model – big boobs, very slim, extensions, inches thick make up, teeny tiny clothes, fake eyelashes, fake tan, fake nails. My heart broke.  I wanted to stand up and shout – what’s going on underneath all of the makeup and the fake hair/ boobs/ nails/ eyelashes/ tan, what do you really look like? I don’t have a problem with anything that enhances beauty, it’s more when we hide behind enhancements and they become the veil from under which we operate and rely on that I think things get a bit tricky.

For me that place of knowing I am beautiful came at the foot of the cross, when I took my years of ungodly beliefs to Jesus and left them there and began to walk out the process of knowing and believing how God sees me – whether that meant speaking Song of Songs over myself, or choosing to counteract a lie – you are ugly – with the truth – I am lovely, being accountable and talking about how I felt about myself, setting myself challenges like NO makeup days!

God loves us, cherishes us, and thinks we are gorgeous. It is not a cliché – I have sat in so many girl talks where they have talked about image and thought “not sure that applies to me … all this God thinks you are gorgeous, what is that about, why are people so hung up with this issue?” Then I would go home and journal rubbish about what I believed about myself. When we live without knowing how precious and lovely we are, we feel insecure about ourselves, we try to hide ourselves; we buy into the culture that tells us we are only good enough when we become something else.

I want to be a woman who lives in the reality of Song Of Songs 1:15 every single day of my life and thankfully it is possible because of Jesus.

A few days ago I was asked to pray for a young woman. We met over coffee and she told me her story. She struggled with low self-esteem and lacked in confidence. She wrestled with issues condemning herself for the lack of ability to rely on God. As I listened God began to show me my own journey…

…Sometimes I, too, struggle with low self-esteem. I too, wish I had more confidence in myself, relying on God more in my everyday life… And yet, I just knew something has changed…

Although I grew up in a loving Christian home, life ‘threw’ some though times at me. As a teenager my trust was shattered when I was abused by couple of people I greatly respected. I let those circumstances influence how I felt and those emotions dictated my actions.

Time passed. I got myself together, went through some wrong relationships… And felt like I wasn’t worth much…

And then, 5 years later, sitting on my bed, reading through some college notes, God took me back, to those painful, lonely moments. He did it for a purpose. I needed to understand the lessons He wanted me to learn, so that He could move me forward. What I didn’t realised was that God had been there with me, in the hurt and emotions of those times. “I was there…I was crying with you…” And that very moment He changed my life! I met God the Father, and learned about his Heart. Isaiah 63:11 says: “The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: ‘Say to the Daughter of Zion, See, your Saviour comes!… and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.’” He healed from the pain I had been carrying, but there was so much more He wanted me to learn.

Yes, it was tough but I had to learn that God doesn’t want me to stay in my brokenness. That’s not His nature. He lifted me up and gave me His Word. And it was up to me, whether I would make His Word my reality! And slowly, over the years I have learned to choose the Word. The Word which gives Life and lifts me up: out of my feelings, my bad experiences, my expectations.

I love the first 2 verses of Colossians 3: “Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

We girls are so often dissolutions by our own feelings and emotions. We focus our eyes on our earthly reality, our human abilities or lack of them, our expectations. It is so easy to get ‘bogged down’ and lose focus.  What I have learned so far is that, God presents me with Heavenly opportunities and He needs me to have a Heavenly perspective on my life, so that I can step into the plans He has for me, plans to give me hope and future. (Jer.29:11)

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

(Genesis 1:28)  

God’s gives humanity a job to do. He commissions them to take charge of the world He took great delight in making.  They are called to settle and establish themselves,  and to explore the great unknowns of the new creation. There’s no indicator of how the jobs will be divided. In fact there’s no indicator that the jobs will be divided at all. It’s a joint call and partnership to live life to the full.  A few reflections:

A call to a productive life. It seems that God doesn’t offer women (or men for that matter) life as distant spectators. We’re to subdue, fill, rule, an action packed call to engagement and involvement with our world. We may be settled in our space, but what about the world beyond our homes? Where can we get engaged and involved in the issues of the world, reflecting His values? It could be in serving the needs of the disadvantaged in our cities. It could be learning more about issues that affect people every day, issues of global trade, human trafficking, the environment.

 A call to be fruitful – Reproduce yourself. We understand that on one level “be fruitful and increase in number” refers to having children. But I’d like to contend that these terms have implications for all of us regardless of our stage of life. What has God put in us that we are investing into others? Are we mentoring anyone, sharing our faith with anyone? Perhaps  we’re sharing your skills to benefit our communities, or to equip work colleagues.  Or maybe this verse is a fresh reminder that the children we have are our calling, and we’re to invest in them, share our faith with them, be engaged and involved with them.To be made in God’s image means are no afterthought, but at part of his magnificent design. It means we have his potential in us, and his purposes waiting for us. There are a few more reflections from the early chapters of Genesis to explore.

In another post.

When God  looked down from heaven and made woman, what on earth was He thinking? It’s a clumsy, playful question, but it’s one I’ve pondered for months now, because it’s also an important question. If we want to live healthy, whole and effective lives, surely its vital to know God’s design specification for us, our God infused identity?

Society communicates its own designs for our identity .Some of its messages inspire; others insult! Combine that with conflicting ideas about womanhood within Christian circles, and sometimes we’re caught between confusion and frustration!

What is our identity? It’s such a fundamental question, about not just what we do in life, but essentially, how to be. And whilst generations of debate about women will not be resolved in one blog post, here’s my first thought.

Made in God’s Image and Likeness

²⁶ Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, ^[a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

    ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image,
       in the image of God he created them;
       male and female he created them

 (Gen 1: 26-27 TNIV)

Somewhere along the line in church history, people began to adopt the belief that men were made in God’s image, whilst women were made completely or partly in men’s image. As a result, it became acceptable, perhaps even spiritual to believe that women were secondary to men, inferior in some way.  That characteristics traditionally understood to be feminine (expressing emotion etc) were more fleshly, earthy. Yet the Bible itself never says that. Male and female are made in God’s image and likeness. Both male and female and reflect something of his nature and characteristics, just like we reflect something of our parents in our looks and personalities.

This is good news for us women; we are not an afterthought; we’re designed from the very heart of God. To be made in the image and likeness of God says something powerful about our potential! We have the potential to reflect His attitudes and priorities in our lives. We have the potential to walk in His power and authority. We may not know it, think it or feel it, but we’re His children, it’s in our spiritual DNA. Potentially the fruit of the spirit is ours; the power of the Holy Spirit is ours because God’s life flows through us.

Your parents may have said you won’t make it, your teachers, friends, exes, and work colleagues may have written you off. But they don’t have to have the last word on your life. The first word has already defined you; you are made in the image of God.

 (There’s so much more to say about this, but I’ve already reached my world limit. Another post is on its way.)

Recently I was reading Proverbs 31 and quite frankly my response was to feel very inadequate!  I felt I was okay at managing my household and I sometimes gave to the poor.  However, I certainly wasn’t at all of the calibre to be buying, selling, trading or doing anything else in the high flying, executive business world!! 

However, as I considered this passage more deeply, I realised that it wasn’t there to crush or diminish me.  As a woman the temptation can be to compare myself unfavourably with others, to put myself down and always to think ‘I can’t…’.   

At the same time, someone spoke into mine and my husband’s lives about ‘Calling’ – what and who was it that we were called to (long, medium and short-term)?  We looked back over words that people had spoken over us; thought about what we were good and gifted at, recognised where we had seen fruit, and thought about what we enjoyed doing.  The Parable of the Talents came to mind (Matt 25:14-30).  I had been given certain gifts/talents and I needed to use them well and wisely, or eventually they would be taken from me.  Presuming I was submitted to the Lord, and once I felt I was happy that my household was running pretty smoothly, what ‘field’ did God want me to get hold of?  What vineyard was I going to plant?  What fruit would I produce?

Maybe this was the encouragement that I needed to step out of my comfort zone, in my case to look seriously into that tiny business venture that I had been thinking might both be quite fun and also a marvellous evangelistic opportunity.

Reflect

When reading this passage, women may come to mind who you think are great examples of a godly wife.  The challenge is to be inspired and not intimidated by them!  The important thing to realise is that they have different callings and giftings to those which you have been given, but you can be encouraged and spurred on by their example.

God has put great and unique things into each of our lives.  We need to have faith to step out and use those gifts.  I continually try to ask myself in any situation, ‘What is God saying to me?’  Of course, we then need to follow through!  So the second question is, ‘What am I going to do about it?’ 

So, what is God saying to you about your ‘Calling’?

What are you going to do about what you are hearing from Him?

Make sure you process through your responses with a trusted friend.

 You don’t fit in Vanessa and you never will. Nothing you try will make you fit in.

I have an ongoing battle with feeling accepted and trying not to suppress who I am in order to be what I perceive to be acceptable to others. There’s a sound track, it’s in my head and it taunts me wanting to know what makes me think I should be right here, right now, with the people I am with.  I think if anyone peered into my journal and saw the extent of the struggle I have had and still have with feeling accepted they would be worried!

This summer I spent a week at a Christian young adult’s festival, we had gone out as a team of people from church and we were running a cafe. I was responsible for coordinating the cafe – it should have been so much fun but it became the week in the year I most battled with a crushing sense of inadequacy and failure as a person.  It was a week of being re-confronted with the extent of the brokenness in my life, the parts of me I was suppressing in order to be acceptable. The way I behaved around guys I liked –namely trying to be someone I was not because being me was just not good enough. It was crushing, it was eye opening, and it was humbling. That week had far reaching consequences for many decisions I made in the months that followed and it still is a key point in my journey I had almost convinced myself that I was over those issues. I don’t think so somehow.

Somehow though in the midst of all the tears and revelations of that week I met Jesus again. He said to me I know it all and you are acceptable to me .You can’t hide yourself from me; I see you as you are. I see you as you are. He gave me permission once more to just be me – loud, dramatic, clumsy, getting it wrong, vulnerable me. Not the super strong woman I so often try to portray myself as.

He sees us as we are and he loves us as we are. He loves us as we are. No matter how much I think about that I am still amazed – he loves ME as I am. He loves YOU as you are.  I want to live my life in the knowledge of that acceptance; I want my life and my choices to be dictated by the tangible experience of the acceptance and love that God has for me. I want to see myself as HE sees me not the way that other people do or even as I see myself. But wanting and actually living it out are 2 completely different things. 

 For me the process of walking out being myself is just to do that – to consciously make the effort to be myself and to suppress parts of my personality. It means having conversations with God about how I feel. It means making sure that the people around me know how I am doing with that battle, talking to people about how I feel is the thing I struggle with the most as it is then that I feel most exposed and more like a failure. But knowing that there is the area I most struggle with means that the area I need to choose to work the hardest on. Knowing it’s ok to fail and get it wrong because at the end of the day – I am still acceptable as I am.

The other day I read Proverbs 31:10-31, the wife of noble character, and it started a process of me thinking – what is a godly woman/wife?  Now, I am no theologian, but this is some of the journey that this question sent me on…

I don’t know about you, but when I think of a biblical wife, I think of a stay at home Mum, well-behaved kids, involved with ‘church stuff’, submitted to her husband, etc!  Whilst all of these are great, Proverbs 31 highlights to me that there’s WAY more to being a godly wife than that.  For years I’ve been selling myself short – I say this as a woman whose sole ambition as a teen was to get married and have children!!

The woman in Proverbs 31 was indeed a woman of noble character – wise, God-fearing, virtuous, trustworthy, doing good, she is concerned for the needy, etc.  At the same time she made sure her household was well run and in order – working very hard to care for her family and household (I feel so lazy when I read the bit about getting up before dawn!),

But, I was surprised to see an amazing business woman who is astute, shrewd, uses her God-given abilities and has all sorts of business deals going on, seemingly without her husband telling her what to do!!  She is then able to enjoy luxuries which her hard work has made possible.

Reflect

When you were a teenager what was your dream?  How does that compare to your dream today?  What do you think God’s dream is for the rest of your life?

When looking at this passage, what are your strengths and what do you think God might be encouraging you to get better at and step more into?  Who would be a good person for you to talk this through with?  Having someone who you can share with on a deep level and be accountable to is SO helpful.