Jo Saxton

Archive for the ‘Featured’ Category

The biblical meaning of hope is ‘confident expectation’. But as we live in the tension of expectation and reality, so often we are disappointed and frustrated by the reality of our experiences.  What is hope?  Where do we find it?  And how do we navigate ourselves towards it when our default is to criticise and lower our expectations?

As I’ve been thinking about hope, I’ve been particularly drawn to thinking about the church.  In the Bible it says that the church will be ‘prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.’ (Rev 21:2)  The image we are given of the church is one that is restored, beautiful and worthy in the eyes of Jesus.  But so often the church is a big sticking-point for people.  It’s easy for us to point the finger, feel despondent and misunderstand one another.  I’ve had many conversations where people are so disappointed with the church.  And sadly, there’s truth in a lot of what they say.

But as we’re called to love the church (John 13:34) we are called to have confident expectation of all that it will one day become.

I like the dictionary definition of hope as being ‘to believe, desire or trust…’

We need to believe that the church is beautiful.  As I’ve spent the last year working for my church something I’ve really enjoyed has been hearing all the different things God’s doing.  Sharing testimony and celebrating where God’s moving, particularly in ministries other than your own, grows faith in the church and all that God can do through it.

We need to desire that the church will be restored.  It’s so much easier to have a moan about the church and the brokenness which we see within it, but making the decision to pray for its restoration takes commitment and lots of energy.  It’s hard to commit to seeking change for the church, but we must firstly desire the change and breakthrough that God can bring.

And we need to trust that the church is and will become the bride of Christ.  It’s the people who are the church. When we say ‘the church has really hurt me’, what we mean is, ‘people have really hurt me’.  But in Jesus’ eyes those people are blameless and righteous, because on the cross He made them the body which is His beautiful bride.

I am part of the body, and I’m just as dysfunctional and disappointing as the rest of them!  But my sin is just as forgiven and I’m just as beloved as the rest of them, as well.  As I learn how to love the church I’m learning what it means to ‘hope all things’.  I believe that one way God loves me is that He hopes all things for me and if He can do this for me, then I can find it within me to hope all things for the church – to confidently expect that it will be a beautiful, vibrant and open-armed body; truly loving, because we have a loving Father who can certainly make it happen.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.“

Galatians 3:28 (NIV)

White. Brown. Black. Yellow. Red.

What colour are you?

How much does it matter?

It’s uncomfortable to be confronted with racism or discrimination or ignorance. Often when I speak of it there’s almost an unwillingness to accept that ignorance exists let alone racism, especially if it happens to be found within the church.

I get frustrated when people make racist comments and then turn around and say to me – but you are different – you are one of us so that does not apply to you.

My question is – why not? How am I different? Why is it “us” against “them”?

I am tired of making exceptions for ignorance. So in response to some of the situations I’ve encountered recently -

If you and I happen to go clubbing in a club full of black people and you happen to be white, it is unlikely that a black person will attack us because you happen to be white. Having dark skin does not predispose someone towards violence or aggression.

If someone is excitedly suggested as a potential date prospect to me purely on the basis of his skin colour and mine I think that’s unnecessary (especially if all we know about that person is that they happen to be the same ethnicity as me). I am not just interested in or attracted to people with the same skin colour or cultural background as me.

If someone wants to have a rational discussion with me about nationhood, nationalism, the welfare state, asylum seekers and immigration, I would be more than happy to participate.  Posting YouTube clips of songs about immigrants and asylum seekers coming to “take over Britain and take advantage of the welfare state” on your Facebook page is not rational debate or conversation.

Not all Asian people are terrorists. Not all Muslim people are terrorists.

Talking specifically about the context I am living in – Northern England – I have found that people feel inhibited and do not express what they really think or feel which means that we live in a culture that does not have open debate and discussion – we hide behind guilt and take political correctness to the extreme. Not talking does not remove a sense of injustice that is held by some. It does not allow for people to say what they think or feel or fear. It does not bring into the light the things that are in the dark.

Am I being hyper sensitive? This list is far from exhaustive and only includes the “highlights” off the top of my head. I guess the thing I find most difficult, the most painful I should I say, is all of the “highlights” occurred within the context of my Christian community.

Why are we so happy to sponsor a child in Africa or India and go on our two week mini mission jaunts and “help” people yet we may shrink from the idea of hanging out with groups of people on a friendship level who happen to be different to us? What is so scary about a group of brown/ black/ white/ yellow/ red people?

At the end of the day this is not just about colour or culture, it is about who we are as people – as Christians. Are we embracing people or do we find it much more comfortable to cling to each other, the people we know and have become comfortable with? Do we ever engage with the world beyond our comfort zone?

Culture is a man made construct and people are so much more than the culture that they are from. Why do we so often baulk at different cultures or people as opposed to accept and embrace diversity? Why do we need to categorise people in the way that we do?

This weekend my friend who is getting married had a party in a city that my friend and I were new to and we had to find the apartment we were staying in. So as Google map just wasn’t clear enough, we needed to find someone to ask directions from. I went up to a black guy and asked him for directions – he was cute and funny and we made each other smile. As we walked away my friend said if I wasn’t with you there was no way that I would have asked a black man for directions – it’s a fear we seem to have that I really want to see changed. Just because he is black does not mean he is going to hurt you. It just does not.

Yes, one of my friends would not go clubbing with me, yes, many of my friends think that there is no difference between me as an Asian and black people. Yes, people have used racist words around me, made comments about people from the Middle East and people of south Asian origin as being terrorists, people have decided I should date someone because of the colour of his skin. Yes it’s true. All these things have been experienced by me, in 2009. That may be uncomfortable but it is true. It’s not a black against white thing and it’s important it should never become that, there is ignorance and fear in many directions. Refusing to accept that racism and ignorance exists is not going to make it disappear – ignoring fear does not change it.

To make decisions that we cannot socialise, live amongst, fraternise and develop deep friendships with people because of their different cultural heritage or their colour is a form of ghettoization and dare I say racism?!

“[ The Great Multitude in White Robes ] After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.”

Revelation 7:8-10

I think God is about every tribe and every nation – he created us all and he loves us equally. We are made in His image. In Heaven we are all going to be hanging out with each other – every tribe and nation. Heaven will not be colour coded. Let’s not wait for that day; the Kingdom of God is advancing NOW. We need to change now. He calls us to love each other. Period. He does not call us to fear each other, he does not call us to live in segregation, he does not call us to excuse ourselves with ignorance. We are the hands and feet of Jesus, we live in the middle of a broken world longing for a Saviour, longing for something different – love, unity, hope. We need to wake up as a Church – we are an army and in our battles we should not be divided along racial lines. We need to break down the barriers internally and externally; we need to examine our hearts.  God’s heart is the Father’s Heart; we are his children – ALL of us. So as cheesy as this may sound we are related, we are brothers and sisters, like all families we may have our disagreements and differences but that does not change the fact that we are family.

The church – the bride of Jesus – is not just made up of one colour, it embraces all colours – but do we as individuals embrace all colours?

To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

Gen 3:16.

This verse forms part of God’s report on the greatest tragedy in our history; the disobedience of Adam and Eve. It is not a description of His ideal for woman but an account of the consequences of our fallenness.  I want to offer some thoughts on just one aspect of these consequences; “Your desire shall be for you husband”.

Now if you’re a single lady (like me) don’t tune out, because I don’t believe this verse is just about the marriage relationship. The Hebrew word for husband is also primarily the word for man and so this verse has significance for all male-female relationships.

The Hebrew word for desire is teshuquah, meaning “desire or longing” but without the associated sexual connotations we have in English. It comes from the word shuq which means “to stretch out after” or “to overflow” and is related to words which have to do with water and thirst. The most literal translation of teshuquah is “turning” and this is the term I find most useful.[i] It means we might translate (albeit a little awkwardly in English), “Your turning will be for man”.

I believe God is saying to woman, “You are now going to stretch out after and overflow towards man. You will thirst for him.”  As Michele Guinness observes, in Woman: The Full Story, “Eve is told that from now on her natural gravitation will be towards man rather than God.”[ii] And this is the key; towards man rather than God.

In Perelandra, the second book in his space trilogy, C.S. Lewis beautifully depicts a woman whose turning is fully towards her creator. The Green Lady is an Eve-like figure and the novel charts her response to influences that seek to undermine her innocence.  At the outset we see the Green Lady in constant communion with Maleldil (a God-like figure). She is a picture of a woman whose whole being is overflowing towards God, and this image is strengthened by the attitude she displays towards her male counterpart, the King.  She tells Ransom (a visitor from Earth) she has not seen the King for some days and does not know where he is, and when Ransom asks, “‘…are you happy without the King? Do you not want the King?’”, her response is telling.

“‘Want him?’ she said. ‘How could there be anything I did not want?’

There was something in her replies that began to repel Ransom. ‘You can’t want him very much if you are happy without him,’ he said: and was immediately surprised at the sulkiness of his own voice.”[iii]

The Green Lady did want the King very much. She loved him freely and would have met him again with joy, but her peace and happiness were not disturbed by his absence. Her identity and sense of security came from being turned towards her maker.  Michele Guinness writes that when our turning is towards man we can experience “the unspoken expectation that only a man can meet our deepest needs” and this expectation does not produce life.[iv]

So what does it produce? And what kind of priorities might it inspire? My own “turning towards man” has produced insecurity, so I have sought affirmation from the men around me to make me feel worth something. It has meant a tendency to idolise male church leaders, instead of the one they point me towards.  And it has meant I’ve agonised over my appearance for the benefit of a man who (let’s face it) probably didn’t even notice!

But when “my turning” is towards God I feel like balance is restored.  I find unshakeable security, unwavering care and attention, and immovable love and acceptance.  He tells me who I am; a woman of God, made in his image, for his perfect purpose.

---

[i] Guinness, M. Woman: The Full Story. (2003), USA: Zondervan, p.47.[ii] Guinness, p.47.

[iii] Lewis, C.S. Perelandra. (2005), London: HarperCollins, p.82.

[iv] Guinness, p.49.

This Sunday, 21^st June, is Father’s Day in the UK. This annual card sending occasion normally passes me by unnoticed.

My father died shortly after my 1^st birthday. I have no conscious memory of him. All I have is a photograph of me on his lap biting one end of a cookie while he bites the other.  It is a lovely image but it has limited meaning for me.  It is difficult to recognise myself in the face of a 6 month old baby.  In reality, I’ve never had a father. And this is tough because, as I’ve been learning in the last few years, fathers are irreplaceable for little girls.  I see many glimpses of what I never had modelled for me in the relationship between my brother-in-law and my niece.  I’ve seen the excitement in her face when daddy gets home and watched her run to greet him. I’ve watched her clamour for his attention, delighted when he shows an interest in her day and achievements. I’ve seen her beam when he praises her and tells her she looks beautiful in the dress she’s so proud of. And I’ve seen him encourage her to try new things, standing ready to catch her but always saying “you can do it, that’s right, well done!”

I’ve been lucky to witness this type of father. It has spoken to my heart about who fathers are and what they do for their daughters, and helped me gain a deeper understanding of what it means for God to be my Father. He is all of the good things I see in the way my brother-in-law loves my niece but magnified and perfected. He is the ultimate Father.  He is always present, always there to guide, encourage and discipline. And He tells me I’m beautiful, precious and loved.

This will be the first Father’s Day to hold meaning for me. I still feel some sense of loss at not having known the physical presence of a father, but the gaping hole has been filled and continues to be filled with the truth that I have a Father present with me. I realise that those of you who have been deeply wounded by your father may think an absent father sounds preferable, but God does not want us to feel father-less.  We can say of Him, through Jesus, “You are my Father, my God, the Rock my Saviour” (Ps 89:26 NIV).

Coming to know God as Father continues to be a process for me and so I am not going to offer any one stop solutions. But meditating on the truth in the Bible has played a big part. So whatever your experience, why not spend some time this Father’s Day (or any day) letting the truth about the kind of father God is fill your heart.

Here are some good places to start:

• Jeremiah 29:11 & 31:3
• Psalm 139
• John 14:23 & 17:23
• Luke 15:11-32
• Romans 8:38-39

For most of my life I have struggled with comparing myself to others; to those I consider to be further ahead on my journey I have beaten myself up thinking I will never be good as them; to those I consider to be behind me on their journey I’ve gained a sense of security by consciously and subconsciously noting their weaknesses and failings, whilst I think to myself how good I am at being a Christian and sit there feeling smug.  Both attitudes suck and have resulted in 2 things in my relationship with God my Father; firstly thinking that He doesn’t love me like He loves others, and secondly by becoming proud and arrogant.

God has done a lot to challenge me about the second attitude, but recently I have been thinking about the first one.  I have often thought that I’m not as important, special or loved as those in leadership over me or around me.  I apply this to promises God makes such as “God won’t really provide for me, he only does that for other people” or “God won’t really use me to heal people when I pray for them because I’m not as holy/spirit-filled/anointed (delete as appropriate) as others”.  This little kernel of unbelief has got into me that God only does the cool stuff for big leader types, and I’ve allowed it to grow.  Now I am finding I need to deconstruct this mindset and replace it with truth – mainly being that the promises I read about in the bible are FOR ME just as much as anyone else. 

 God also showed me something else which has been helpful; that leaders are there to show people what is possible, not to show us what we can’t have. So when they share a story of how God has provided for them it should make me excited that I can see that in my own life too!

The promises of God are not for those who achieve a certain spiritual status, but they are for the least, the last and the lost – and me. Instead of feeling insignificant in the face of other people’s God stories, I need to rejoice that someone has shown me that something is possible, and could also be true for me!  This feels like such a relief; I no longer feel I have to live up to a certain standard.  I think this has helped me understand why Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:16-17:

“I urge you to imitate me. I am sending to you Timothy…he will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church”. 

Paul isn’t being arrogant; he wants the Corinthian church to see the same level of power and activity of the Spirit in their lives as he does in his.  Bring it on!

My husband has recently taken up the position of Pastor at a church here in the UK. It’s a training position, and as such, the wage isn’t very substantial and it has got me thinking about God’s provision. I have been wondering what my position is in terms of poverty or prosperity; there seems to be some tension between the idea that being a Christian means having enough to get by, and the idea that as God’s kids we should be well provided for.

Looking back at my life I can see many times when God has stepped in to provide for us in unexpected ways when it seemed our backs were against the wall, so I can confidently say that God is faithful to provide, but can I say that God provides abundantly?

I believe God is extravagant with His love, mercy, grace and forgiveness; I don’t think He is stingy, nor do I think He has to have His arm twisted to give His children good things. I believe His actions are determined by His nature, so a generous God gives generously. Why then aren’t we all materially blessed? Why do many Christians only have their daily bread and no more? Why can’t we seem to tap into the Heavenly bank account as we want to?

The Bible shows us many examples of God’s generosity. People like Abraham, Job, David and Solomon were blessed beyond measure with all kinds of riches, and there are many wealthy Christians in the world today, but in my own life, I don’t see it.

Just enough’ isn’t enough for me – how can we help others when we are only just managing to pay our own bills? I want to show the world how good God is by how much nice stuff he gives us!

I was recently challenged to examine my motives in my desire for more, and when all is stripped away, what is left? 1 Cor 13 v 13 says, ‘And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.’ So, at the end of the day, it’s all about love. Love should underlie everything. And to be really honest, my desire for more ‘stuff’ doesn’t stem from my love for God or His people, it’s more about my own comfort than any virtuous motivation!

As Jesus tells us, ‘But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.’ Maybe if my mind was on more heavenly matters, I wouldn’t pay so much attention to the fact that our neighbours have better cars than us, or can afford to buy new things that haven’t been ‘pre-loved’ (a euphemism for ‘second-hand’). In the eternal scheme of things, what do cars and clothes really count for anyway?

Looking at Paul’s life, he knew what it was to have plenty and he knew what it was to be in need, yet he said he had learned to be content in all circumstances. My conclusion is that God will always provide enough. That I am sure of. Whether He will provide abundantly is up to Him; what I need to do is learn to be thankful for what I have, and lift my eyes from the temporal to the eternal and in doing so, by God’s grace I’ll find contentment. I hope you do too.

 

by Jo Parkins

A co-worker recently gave me a potted peace lily as a gift, apparently unaware that I am the angel of death for green things.  I displayed it prominently on a table visible to passers-by, and vowed to keep this one alive. Despite my best efforts, I came in one Monday morning just a week later and found the poor thing wilted and splayed out over the table. The center stalk with a bud just ready to open was not only bent, but kinked, with every single leaf hanging in a limp ring around that bent stalk, looking more like cooked greens than a living thing.  Longing for a miracle, but preparing for the worst, I doused the poor thing with water and prayed, hoping the person who gave me the plant hadn’t already seen it, and been insulted that I didn’t care enough for her gift to tend to it properly…which got me thinking about gifts. 

 

As much as I would love for God to give me purely self-serving gifts–ornamental or comfortable ones, like jewelry or fuzzy slippers, the gifts that God gives are curiously more like housewarming gifts–practical gifts, gifts that must be used or tended to. He does hint that one day He’ll bestow jewelry (or at least crowns) on his beloved; but in this life, His gifts are to be used for the benefit of others (see 1 Cor. 12:7)  Now, I’m one of those who has taken awhile to discover what gifts God has given me, and then used false humility as an excuse for not using them (Me? Have talent? Discernment? Teach others? Pshaw…) Refusing to acknowledge or use the gifts God has given me for the good of his people because I don’t feel confident or strong is not humble.  It is sinful. When we allow the gifts God has given us to atrophy, a part of us atrophies along with hem, because they are woven into our personalities-tiny bits of God’s image written into our DNA.

 

In 1 Timothy 4:14, Paul warns young Timothy not to neglect the gift that was given him.  The context seems to indicate that this gift was some sort of commission, a duty assigned specifically to Timothy by God through prophetic intercession. This is why Timothy was at this certain place at this certain time- to fulfill God’s will in a way he was specifically gifted to  do.  Most of us aren’t so blessed as to have our callings clearly articulated by prophets.  We have to look for them. The most fulfilled, most grounded people I know are those who have identified their gifts and are busy using them in a way only they could.  I’ve seen them work from a seemingly endless reserve of energy because the passion for whatever it is they are doing and the satisfaction of seeing fruit of their labor spurs them on.  Could the fact that I’ve been feeling as limp and listless as my peace lily have anything to do with the fact that I may be spending so much of my energy on the wrong things? Could that vague sense of restlessness and discontent be a gift of God that is crying out for water and sunshine? This is the journey I’m on: to figure out what God has put in me that is useful for building others up and bringing glory to Him, and finding ways, no matter how small, to start putting it in to practice. 

 

My little peace lily made a brave comeback.  Within twenty four hours of proper hydration and a bit of sunlight, the only sign of its near death experience is a blackened edge along its very first bloom that resembles a bruise. Rather than cut it off to destroy the evidence, I left it there as a reminder, not only to water the thing, but also to honor the Giver by honoring the gift. 

 

 

For Reflection:

 

A good place to start reading is Romans 12:4-8 or 1 Corinthians 12:7-30.

 

1. What puts fuel in your tank?  When you had free time as a child, what did you do?

 

1. What ways of helping others have you found enjoyable?

 

1. What breaks your heart?  What is your Holy Discontent? As you look around the community, church or world, what a) concerns you the most  and  b) do you think you can do something about?

 

1. What strengths do others see in you? (Really, ask those who know you what they see in you.  You may be surprised that several of them see the same thing.  That’s a really big clue)

 

 

 

 

Recently I was reading Proverbs 31 and quite frankly my response was to feel very inadequate!  I felt I was okay at managing my household and I sometimes gave to the poor.  However, I certainly wasn’t at all of the calibre to be buying, selling, trading or doing anything else in the high flying, executive business world!! 

 

However, as I considered this passage more deeply, I realised that it wasn’t there to crush or diminish me.  As a woman the temptation can be to compare myself unfavourably with others, to put myself down and always to think ‘I can’t…’.   

 

At the same time, someone spoke into mine and my husband’s lives about ‘Calling’ – what and who was it that we were called to (long, medium and short-term)?  We looked back over words that people had spoken over us; thought about what we were good and gifted at, recognised where we had seen fruit, and thought about what we enjoyed doing.  The Parable of the Talents came to mind (Matt 25:14-30).  I had been given certain gifts/talents and I needed to use them well and wisely, or eventually they would be taken from me.  Presuming I was submitted to the Lord, and once I felt I was happy that my household was running pretty smoothly, what ‘field’ did God want me to get hold of?  What vineyard was I going to plant?  What fruit would I produce?

 

Maybe this was the encouragement that I needed to step out of my comfort zone, in my case to look seriously into that tiny business venture that I had been thinking might both be quite fun and also a marvellous evangelistic opportunity.

 

 

Reflect

When reading this passage, women may come to mind who you think are great examples of a godly wife.  The challenge is to be inspired and not intimidated by them!  The important thing to realise is that they have different callings and giftings to those which you have been given, but you can be encouraged and spurred on by their example.

 

God has put great and unique things into each of our lives.  We need to have faith to step out and use those gifts.  I continually try to ask myself in any situation, ‘What is God saying to me?’  Of course, we then need to follow through!  So the second question is, ‘What am I going to do about it?’ 

 

So, what is God saying to you about your ‘Calling’?

What are you going to do about what you are hearing from Him?

Make sure you process through your responses with a trusted friend.

 

The other day I read Proverbs 31:10-31, the wife of noble character, and it started a process of me thinking – what is a godly woman/wife?  Now, I am no theologian, but this is some of the journey that this question sent me on…

 

I don’t know about you, but when I think of a biblical wife, I think of a stay at home Mum, well-behaved kids, involved with ‘church stuff’, submitted to her husband, etc!  Whilst all of these are great, Proverbs 31 highlights to me that there’s WAY more to being a godly wife than that.  For years I’ve been selling myself short – I say this as a woman whose sole ambition as a teen was to get married and have children!!

 

The woman in Proverbs 31 was indeed a woman of noble character – wise, God-fearing, virtuous, trustworthy, doing good, she is concerned for the needy, etc.  At the same time she made sure her household was well run and in order – working very hard to care for her family and household (I feel so lazy when I read the bit about getting up before dawn!),

 

But, I was surprised to see an amazing business woman who is astute, shrewd, uses her God-given abilities and has all sorts of business deals going on, seemingly without her husband telling her what to do!!  She is then able to enjoy luxuries which her hard work has made possible.

 

 

Reflect

When you were a teenager what was your dream?  How does that compare to your dream today?  What do you think God’s dream is for the rest of your life?

 

When looking at this passage, what are your strengths and what do you think God might be encouraging you to get better at and step more into?  Who would be a good person for you to talk this through with?  Having someone who you can share with on a deep level and be accountable to is SO helpful. 

 

My attitude to housework is changeable to say the least. This week I have had a bit of an amazing housewife week! It makes a huge difference to all our lives when I’ve taken myself in hand and applied myself to getting on top of everything. It was little daily steps that got me to a place where I could see the end in sight. But also I had a day without little people. Thursday was a day all to myself!! What would I do with it? Well I had been so determined to have a rest and a day doing what I wanted, that I had spent the evening before tidying madly. I got up and got the girls ready, waved them off at the door, closed it to silence! An empty house! Tidy enough that I didn’t have to do anything.

 

Well, I thought I could stay in my bed reading all day. I was bored of that by 855. Stay in my pjs til midday! I was dressed by 9. I could have gone shopping for a bit, but a friend was coming round to veg and watch back to back recorded TV shows, and I didn’t know when. So I tidied and restored order and loveliness to my bedroom. It is now sparkling. Hubby loves it, I love it. My little girl is impressed with my tidying and I have since gone on to tidy her room and make it beautiful. I now need to maintain it, which I am currently very motivated to do.

 

My revelation about Thursday – I like my job, my house-wife one. I’ve been getting quite despondent about the day to day, dragging myself from chore to boring chore. I was challenged by my attitude and the fact that self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit; I was refusing to let it blossom by telling myself I was tired, couldn’t be bothered, hated housework.

 

I told myself off, did what I couldn’t be bothered to do and feel on top of the world now. God is a God of order not chaos. I am deep in self pity when I berate the state of my house and claim I can’t do anything about it. Self pity leads to nothing positive. ‘Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’ Romans 12:2.

 

Now I need to try and remember that when it all goes belly up again…