There’s a girl I used to know called Betty Back Up. I wonder if you know her?
Betty is a strong attractive woman, with lots going for her. But some of the nagging insecurities that get to every woman have gotten to her in such a way that she doesn’t believe that someone will fall for her, that it will ever be “her turn”. She hides behind all sorts of things, work, humor, serving others…but finds herself spending far more time of the sidelines of love than she would like.
It’s not that she isn’t popular; she has lots of guy friends. In fact she often has very close friendships with some guys. Maybe one guy. They pour out their heart to her, cry with her, pray with her, trust in her, and hang out for days with her. But they go out with her…friends. Or frenemies! She’s affectionately called a sister, or even a mum, but not “my girlfriend”. She’s the backup plan; she’s the one who’s there until some other one appears. And before we blame guys for this and get all man hater about it, make no mistake; there are just as many back up Brad, Brian and Billy’s (Haven’t we ever had those men in our lives who we were quite content to leave close enough to affirm us, but far away enough so we are still available for the men we really want to go out with?).
So what’s going on? Well Betty (or Brian) can blame the opposite sex for their unscrupulous behavior, and they may even have a point. Still, should some of the responsibility lie with Betty herself? Betty’s in love and won’t admit it; she likes the fact that people ask what is going on with her friend, because it’s better somehow. She’s felt in the shadows for so long, it’s nice someone is even thinking of her in that way, even if it’s not the guy himself. A totally legitimate need is met, at least partially. And the time she invests, the emotional connection, the deep conversations, the everything, feels so affirming (when it doesn’t feel so lonely), and it stems the loneliness for awhile. It’s better to be the backup for awhile, right? Right?
There’s only one problem; it’s not real. It’s real in the sense that it’s happening, but not real in the sense of really going anywhere. And somehow we spiritualize not confronting it, asking about it – because “the best thing is to wait” “surely it’s the guy’s job to bring it up, it’s not right for a woman to lead the relationship” – when actually – we – I mean Betty – fears the rejection of the answer we suspect we’d receive. If we invest more – maybe he’ll finally see what the relationship should be going, and finally commit to me as much as I’m committing to him.
Where does it all end for Betty? When he finds someone else, Betty is left broken and hurting, but since it was not official anyway, she’s got no reason to be so hurt. So it’s all internalized, and feels so unfair, but she just has to get over it.
What does that do to her hope, her confidence, her sense of self worth, her relationship with God? On the surface things seem OK. Inside – it’s disappointing, heavy on the heart. She might cynical about relationships, bitter about men, even though she longs to settle down. Sometimes Betty is so disillusioned that her relationship with God is strained too….
I once knew a young woman called Betty Back Up, a gorgeous woman who stood in the shadows of almost relationships, afraid to walk into the unknown with the Father, just in case He let her down. Have you ever met someone like her?
